Category Archives: Journeying into Spirit



Hi everyone!

On my last blog entry, I was discussing our thoughts and where they come from.  Some of the feedback I got back were from people who seemed confused. So I would like to clarify what I was trying to convey in this entry.


On any given day, we can have up to 60,000 thoughts.  We use our thoughts to plan out our day for example, and in this sense, these are constructive thoughts.  Many of them however, are just random thoughts that come and go.  Have you ever asked yourself where these thoughts come from? Believe it or not, our thoughts do not come from our brains. Thoughts are originated from outside our bodies! 

Scientists can hook you up to a scanner and measure your thought “frequencies”.  Thought frequencies (or energy) can be measured, but are not located specifically in our brains.  Our brains are just the central processing units that decode the stimuli which we receive via our 5 senses: seeing, hearing, touching, smelling and tasting. There is an energy field or electro-magnetic field which exists outside and around our bodies. Another way to look at it, the sum of all our experiences, ideas and opinions about any particular thing, lie within this energy field as thought forms. There is also the “collective mind or collective consciousness” or the place-(out there)-which exists, the sum of everyone’s  thoughts or ideas. (We will discuss consciousness more in a later entry).

With babies, they are also receiving stimuli from their 5 senses but do not have any “thoughts” about what they perceive.  This comes later with maturing cognition (the ability to perceive, know and become aware). As we grow and have increased life experiences, the thoughts (and feelings) about these events lie within our energy field as “thought frequencies” and we develop “opinions” about each new experience based on our past experiences. For example, if a small child tries to touch a neighbor’s cute dog for the first time and gets bitten, the child may develop a “thought” that all dogs bite. The next time this child sees a dog, he/she may think that it will be another negative experience based on what the first experience was. Respectively, we also pick up thoughts from those around us. This is what I call “adopting” thoughts of others. 

Many people will sometimes be going about their day and all of a sudden a random thought will enter into their minds and they may wonder to themselves, “where did THAT thought come from?” It came from the “collective thought, or mind”. Because thoughts are energy or, frequencies, we often pick up an idea or thought that was not originally ours. People who can do this consciously are considered psychic or telepathic.

So to summarize, our thoughts/ideas lie within an energy field outside of us which gets built up over time. Sometimes, random thoughts will pop into our heads that do not seem to fit the context of what we may be thinking at the immediate moment… These thoughts may be our own or those of others.

On the next entry, I would like to discuss negative thoughts that seem to repeat themselves over and over again in our minds which often generates bad feelings. 


Don’t push it down anymore


I have to be honest with you all and let you know that despite how my perception about life and myself have changed, that doesn’t mean that I no longer have sadness.  There are moments where I still have incredible sadness.  I feel sad for that little girl long ago who was at the mercy of that hateful individual; that little girl who would have to carry the pain with her until it became too much for her to bear.  That little girl would have to endure much more pain and circumstances in her life until she realized that maybe life wasn’t really supposed to be this bad.  

In my spiritual journey, I realize that the negative experiences I’ve had have been an opportunity for me to grow.  In fact, every negative situation can be looked at as such.  We can change our lives by changing our perception and see it as an opportunity for growth, or we can remain victims.  When I made a conscious decision to heal, I knew that I would have to take out all the pain that I had pushed deep inside me and deal with it.  For many years, I knew that I still carried the pain but had gotten so used to not looking at it. When those scary emotions would resurface, I’d try even harder to ignore it. I’d tell myself to “get a grip” or “snap out of it”, and admonish myself for having those scared feelings when I knew that I wasn’t that little girl living in that abusive environment any longer. Growing up, sis and I had become experts at hiding what was really going on within us.  We were not allowed to express any emotions so pushing our feelings down deeper was something we were good at.

Every emotion we’ve experienced lies deep within our subconscious mind…every one of them.  Our emotions stem from our thought patterns that have formed around each life experience…negative and positive.  Those negative emotions that we are too afraid to look at sit dormant deep within our psyche and will raise it’s ugly head every now and again.  As long as we chose to not look at them, they will keep coming back up.  Just as we can “relive” an exciting period in our lives such as a marriage or a birth of a child, we “feel” all the accompanying emotions. We also relive the negative ones…but for those of you who have had trauma, know that reliving a positive experience from the past often does not just pop up into your mind.  You are usually “recalling” the experience by choice…but the negative emotions will sometimes pop up suddenly without warning and leave you questioning the reason for that particular emotion’s sudden appearance.  It is your “emotional body’s” (psyche)  way of telling you that it still needs to be dealt with.  (I will discuss emotional bodies later). 

Obviously, we can’t go back into the past and change our circumstances, but we can go back in our mind and relive any experience and change our emotions by visual healing.  One of my healing methods is a meditation where in my mind, I go back into time and sit with that scared little girl and hold her in my arms.  I tell her that I know it is hard to understand all the “whys” now, but that when she is older, she will understand.  I tell her that I love her and she is so precious and when I tell her this, I can slowly feel her broken heart grasping on to the idea that she is loved.  I tell her that her future is bright with lots of love and that the compassion that this little girl will have in her heart when she’s older will surpass the pain that she has ever felt in her past.  She doesn’t understand this at first because she still doesn’t know exactly what compassion is…she’s never really experienced it from others but she has the sense that the feeling she is experiences at this very moment while being hugged, might be compassion.  This little girl doesn’t really know what to make of this message that she is receiving from this woman but she senses it to be true somehow.  It’s kind of a deep knowing that this little girl has always had. The woman tells her that she once felt exactly as this little girl does now.  The little girl wants to cry and she does…in the arms of this woman who comforts her, wipes her tears and tells her that she is her Guardian Angel.  The woman tells the little girl that whenever she feels scared, she can go within and imagine that she is again sitting with this woman who always offers her love and comfort.

A big part of the healing process is to feel those pangs of pain and be ok with it. It’s the natural process of healing. One has to expect that when they decide to heal, it is going to take some time and those emotions will rise up again.  Healing is not about feeling wonderful all the time…but understanding your feelings, working through them until you realize that they can’t do you any harm.  The harm has already been inflicted.  It is much like a physical scar that appears after any injury.  Some scars are larger than others depending upon the injury itself.  With some unsightly bigger physical scars, those scars can sometimes be injected with medicines that can diminish their size. Emotional scars that are unseen but felt however, must be injected with love to diminish their impact.  Of course we always feel better knowing that we are being loved by others but the love that’s needed for healing is “self love” and the visual healing method above is one way of doing this…getting from a place of self loathing, to self love.



What’s it all for anyway?


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAFor most of my life, I have asked myself…”why”?  Not so much “why me” but why?  Why do people suffer?  Why is there pain?  Why are some people so cruel?  Why am I the way I am?  What’s it all for anyway?  There was a moment once when I was still married to my ex husband and he had been having problems with his car.  It seemed that there was one thing after another that needed fixing.  He finally got it all working out alright when he got a flat tire.  This frustrated him and I remember him asking me: “why is this happening to me?”  I remember thinking to myself first of all, that it was a flat tire…and I also thought, why not you?  Everyone has “stuff” that happens to them at one time or another.  No one is immune from…life.

In retrospect, I understand that during my childhood, it’s not as if I could have changed the situation.  Any child that is at the mercy of the adult abuser IS a victim but as I gradually became a young adult, I chose not to be a victim of my circumstances.  I had much sadness within me for years but despite this, I wanted to make the best of the situation.  I see now how much I’ve grown to understand so much.  

Despite the lack of love growing up, I do know what love is…I know love by having experienced the opposite…hate and cruelty.  By this contrast, I understand love.  I know compassion.  Witnessing and being the focus of someone else’s cruel intentions, I feel compassion towards others.  So by taking a negative experience, I chose to use it to try and understand.  It is easy to know what the meaning of each of the words; love, compassion, cruelty and hatred are…we all know the definitions but to have actually experienced the negatives, I understand and appreciate the positives.  It does seem like a backwards way to learn something, but it is still a way to learn.

We have heard many times that our feelings are a “choice”.  Maybe we didn’t choose the negative things that happened in our lives but we have a choice on how these things will impact us.

Today, I feel that there are so many people who decide to fall into the victim role of their negative experiences.  It is so much easier to point our fingers at another person and say that it is THEIR fault.  “You made me this way”.  This may be true initially but no one holds a gun to anyone’s head and tells them that for the rest of their lives, they will be bitter, angry and mean to everyone around them.  Your feelings are YOUR feelings.  If this were not true, how then would we expect the perpetrator to change the emotions within us?  It is the same as expecting someone else to make us happy.  That is a tall order to fill…no one outside of ourselves can do this.  When we take responsibility for our own emotions (regardless of what they may be) only then can we grow Spiritually from any experience.  This may be difficult.  One must decide to become responsible for ALL aspects of themselves.    

The first step for myself was to acknowledge that all those terrible things happened to me in my past.  Yes…it happened, it was awful, it hurt me, it made me sad, it made me feel angry and hateful towards my parents.  I felt lost, insecure and I felt as if there was no sense of safety and security anywhere.  What was difficult for me was to really take a look at how each of those incidences made me feel.  Half the time, the feelings were so ugly inside of me that I couldn’t even identify or label those emotions.  They were just a big wad of jumbled up “bad” feelings.  It’s hard to know where to begin unraveling all those yucky feelings and try to identify them…and I found that that was not important, but more importantly, to heal as a whole.  I remember telling my therapist once that if I likened my bad feelings as colors, the mix of colors were the darkest, murkiest colors you could imagine all mixed together creating the deepest, ugliest, darkest black that you could imagine.  

Acknowledging and accepting what happened is the first step to letting go.    Realizing that I had no control over the situation while I was a child and learn to let it go.  Accepting myself just the way I was.  Easier said than done.  It’s not as if I could smash all of my pain into a box and drop the box in the ocean and say goodbye.  Emotions are not something tangible…like dropping a rock into the ocean.  These emotions were within my entire being.  It sometimes felt that it had consumed me and lurked within every cell in my body, …pain, anguish, anger, loathing and fear.  Talking about my feelings helped.  Find someone that you trust and then spill your guts…

My “letting go” reminded me of the whole grieving process proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying”.  There are 5 stages of this process: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance.  There is no particular order as we each go through this differently.  My whole adult life seems to have been to work through each of these stages until I finally reached acceptance.  This is when the healing for me really began.  The realization that I could not change the past or present actions of others but that I could only change myself…my perspective.  Depression for me came before the anger and when I felt angry, I was angry at -them- and somehow found that I could deal with the anger better than the depression.  When I was in the anger stage, I felt justified in feeling it.  I would talk it out, or exercise and feel better.  In the depression stage, it just hurt…and I didn’t understand why but  came to understand that during the depression stage, I was just hanging on to the pain but when  the hurt and sadness turned into anger, I was able to work on it.  

We live in a society where we are told to ignore our feelings.  We have to act rationally, behave in a manner that conforms to society, or to the way our parents want us to behave.  We’re taught to shove down our feelings, bury them and never mind your feelings…just do what you’re supposed to do…do what you’re told.  However…our feelings ARE important!  We are all sentient (feeling) beings and acknowledging and getting to know your feelings and what they mean to you is needed on our Spiritual journey.  Our emotions are our guides.  When our feelings get “all jumbled up and confused”, there’s some work to do.  

As I’m typing this, I feel like I’m rambling on but I’m being truthful and honest.  There really isn’t an easy way to heal.   Healing should make us feel better, but not in the beginning… which seems contradictory.  To heal means to acknowledge and FEEL the pain…understand yourself, be ok with yourself and all that you feel…and it’s OK…

One of the many things that helped me to heal was to realize that the people who had inflicted such pain in my life were hurting too…and I will talk more about this on my next blog.


Looking for God


I was pleasantly surprised after coming back from rehab that I really didn’t have the urge to drink.  I thought about it often however, especially around the time when I would start to cook dinner.  In my drinking career, this was what I called my “witching hour”.  This was the time that I started to drink…while cooking, through dinner, after dinner while watching a movie. (I rarely finished a movie before passing out).  For awhile, a recovering person needs to stay away from those things that used to “trigger” the desire to drink.  Happily, I told my husband that I could not cook for awhile.    We would do take out or each person would just fix something on their own.  I also needed to stay away from the friends that I used to hang out with when I was drinking.  I stayed away from those restaurants that I used to frequent as well.

There is a funny quote from Frank Sinatra…(another alcoholic) “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day”.  I used to laugh at this quote in my drinking days…I agreed with him.  What I had forgotten was how good one feels on the morning they wake up when they’re NOT hung over.  What an amazing feeling!  To have energy all day and want to actually go and do things.

However, I was still struggling with my “Higher Power”.  I hadn’t found it yet.  I desperately wanted to find my God.  While in rehab, it seems that we were sort of “borrowing” the Higher Power of the rehab center and holding each other up by encouraging those around us…but after coming home, I had to find it on my own.  My old concept of God was no longer working for me.  I knew deep within me that MY God was not a punishing one.  He wasn’t going to send me to hell because I was born a sinner and needed to repent for this.  So I began to pray…whole heartedly.  My prayer was basically asking to find the truth…not the truth of the world, or the truth of the churches I had been to in the past—but a deep fundamental truth that we all have.  For along time, I was still looking for my Higher Power…”out there” somewhere.

From the moment that I truly started seeking the truth, I was led in directions where the answer/truth would come forth.  My husband and I were lead to take a Transcendental meditation class and began meditation twice daily.  At first it seemed like there were 101 voices in my head all talking at the same time.  (Maybe my psychiatrist who diagnosed me as schizophrenic was right!–see “Journey backwards-20-Diagnosis) It took awhile to be ok with these voices swirling around in my head.  Just to acknowledge their presence and let them go…Eventually, those loud voices seem to move to the background and in the forefront,  I noticed a quiet, still presence within me.  A presence there that I knew had always been…just observing.  Hey! This was the “I” in me.  I got excited…and as soon as I was aware that I was excited, the “me”, or “ego” came forward and I lost touch with the “I”.  

With meditation, it is not a “place” that one is goes to because that “place” is already within each of us.  It is a state of mind…a quiet stillness that is just there.  It is the “being” in the human.  That “being” that is in all of us that is the observer.  When we sit quiet enough…and without any expectation, you will feel your “being”.  It is such a wonderful feeling of calm, stillness and peace.  

I was lead to read certain books which I soaked up like a sponge.  I knew I had stumbled upon something immensely valuable.  Everything I read…and continue to read, resonated with my hungry soul.  As J.R. Seydel says, “If you want to know the truth, all you have to do is…ask”.

In a matter of months, much arcane knowledge has been revealed to me.  In addition, all the hurts of the past and issues with people that I had carried…were gone.  I saw and understood how my twisted ego had caused my perception to become warped…which has caused me such pain in the past.  My perceptions about people, places and things began to change.  I could look at an individual and see their light behind their ego.  I could accept any situation regardless of how it turned out and see it as perfect.  To know that the Universe works exactly as it should.  To accept people just the way they are and not feel the need to change them in any way.

From this point on in this blog, I will be discussing all things arcane.  Things of Spirit and how we can be full of joy and peace by “choosing it”.

Blessings to You All out there!




Rehab for my mind


My sister informed me that my Dad was now in hospice.  Despite how my parents had treated her in the past, she decided to fly down and do what she could do for my Dad in his last days.  She went to see him and told me that my Dad asked if I knew that he was in hospice.  She told him that I knew.  (Sis told me about 2 weeks prior to her flying down to see him)  My Dad expressed to sis that he wished he could see me but figured that it was not going to happen and began to cry.  

I sat with this image in my mind of my Dad crying and It made me feel sad.  I didn’t react right away but waited a few days to make sure that going to see him was what I really wanted to do.  A part of me wanted to see/say goodbye to him one last time but the other part of me thought that there was no point.  I felt that I had worked through years of torment and sadness that I had been carrying…thinking that I was “no good” in the eyes of my parents.  I had come to the point (read last blog–“No approval…ever”)  where I felt that I had gone through all the stages of grief and truly let my parents go but I asked myself if I would be ok with NOT seeing or saying what I had to say to my Dad before he passed away.  I knew I had to go see him one last time.  I went to see him and we both just hugged each other.  My Dad cried but I didn’t.  I told him that I was going off to rehab to face my drinking issue.  I asked him if he felt “ready to go” and he said yes.  I also told him that I know he did the best he could with my sis and I growing up and that I loved him.  This visit was not about confronting him about any past issues or hurts but to just tell him that I loved him.  It was about letting go and saying farewell.  I visited for about an hour and as I left, I knew in my heart that it was the last time I would see him.

I flew to rehab and did the 28 day stay.  I learned so much in this institution.  You could tell by looking at all my fellow addictees; which ones were there by choice, who was there to appease their family members and who was there by court order.  I was there by choice.  I had made a decision to heal myself of my past and all the pain I had been carrying around.  I learned so much about addictive behavior, what addiction looks like in the brain, the thought process behind the addiction but mostly, I learned about myself.

I came back home and started my Spiritual Journey.  In the meantime, my Dad’s funeral came and went and I did not attend.  I knew that the body they were lying in the ground was not him anymore.  I felt his presence around me for awhile after his passing and truly believed that he was happy and at peace…but as for myself, this would mark the beginning of “My Journey in Spirit”…