Monthly Archives: February 2015

7. Journey Backwards-Strangeness begins

Hi All,

I haven’t posted for several days.  To tell you the truth, I have been feeling a little “stuck”.  I had been thinking that I could continue to blog about what I have learned so far in my Spiritual journey but that seemed kind of boring to me so I decided to take this blog in a slightly different direction.

I think I would like to tell my story.  The story of my actual journey and how I got to where I am now.  How I came to know what I know and what got me here.  I realized that this meant that I would have to share with you some of the details of the past that have caused me such pain.  Only then I think, will the reader appreciate how anyone can overcome or get past their pain.

So I will start my story from the time I was 3 years old.  My sister and I were adopted from Korea by parents who had not been able to have children of their own.  They had been married for 12 years and lived in Japan.  My Father worked for the civil service and grew up in a Christian household on a farm in Minnesota.  My Mother was Japanese who spoke broken English but studied to become an American citizen.

My sister and I were not biological sisters.  My sister is full Korean and I am half caucasian and half Korean and we became very close.  We spoke only Korean and often used our little hands to communicate with our parents.

Little things would excite us like the flushing of the toilet or, hearing the clanking of the pots and pans in the kitchen.  Yay!  This meant we were going to eat a full meal!  Something that was very rare in the orphanages of Korea.  Ice cream was great too!  I thought bread was fantastic but I didn’t care for buttering my bread. Just give it to me plain please!

We lived in Japan for about 6 months until my Father’s job took him to one of the Pacific Islands.

My sister and I picked up the English language fairly quickly and I started kindergarden at 4 years of age. I liked school.  The other kids thought it was neat that I was adopted.  Of course the teachers had to explain to them what adopted meant.  In the islands where we lived, it wasn’t unusual to see many kids being adopted by a distant Aunt or Uncle, but an international adoption was rare back then.

My sister and I were always very close.  We shared a bond of having been torn away from our birth country by people we did not know at the time and because of this, we were each other’s strength.

The early toddler years seemed to be ok.  Our family would take vacations every year alternating back and forth between the relatives in Japan and Minnesota.  Our Aunts, Uncles and cousins were always nice to us.  I think it was somewhat of a novelty for them to have Korean cousins who were adopted.  They really liked my sister’s jet black hair and my cousins seemed to have more of an interest in her because of her hair color.  Maybe it wasn’t so much an interest as it was a curiosity.  My hair was a light brown color which was slightly darker than all my blond cousins.  I remember my Paternal Grandmother.  A strong willed woman with a solid Christian background who was so proud of my sister and I.  She would often show us off to her friends and have us dance the hula.  Of course she loved all her grandkids but somehow she made my sister and I feel very special.

It was the same with our cousins in Japan.  They loved having us over and their curiosity was peaked more because of my half asian, half caucasian features than that of my full Korean blooded, jet black haired sister.

When I think back, I remember things around the house beginning to get strange when my sister and I were around the age of 7 or 8.

…continued

6. Ego Mind and Higher Self

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In the last few posts, I have been discussing thoughts and ego.  To quickly summarize: our thoughts lead to our beliefs or belief system.  To change your beliefs about yourself, you must change the way you think about yourself.

We all have “egos”.  The ego or the ego mind, is a false sense of who we are.   The ego mind is built up over time.  As children, we take on the beliefs of those around us.  Unless the child is a very wise child and has a very strong sense of who they are, the child begins to see themselves as who they are by what they have been told  by others. (Parents, teachers, people of authority in the child’s eyes)  Unfortunately, if we are told that we are unworthy, either verbally, non-verbally or otherwise, we will carry that belief about ourselves into our adulthood.

We change our beliefs about ourselves by choosing not to listen to our ego mind.  We chose to listen to the Higher Self.  What is the Higher Self?  The Higher Self is the true you.  The true you, is consciousness.  The true you, or Higher Self is the part that is connected to the One Conscious Mind, or God or Source or whatever name you give to it.  This is the “eternal” part of you.  The part that is unchanging and constant.  And because we are all apart of the same Source, we are all connected.

When I came to this realization, there was such a sense of relief because then I realized that I wasn’t my incessant, crazy, random thoughts.  I was also not my feelings…many of them bad.    My thoughts and feelings about myself were always changing and I was reacting to my constantly changing thoughts about myself by either feeling bad (if I was having negative thoughts about myself) or feeling good.  For along time, I thought that I was a wishy, washy person with fleeting thoughts and feelings that changed with circumstances and because of this constant change, I perceived my life to be so chaotic internally.  There was no quiet, peace or joy.

I continue on “My Journey In Spirit” and continue to humbly share with you what I have come to know…or remember about who we are.  It has taken me 30 years to remember because I was so very deep in my ego mind, but like many people out there, I wanted to know and understand truth.  I hope these words will reach those of you who are yearning for  peace and deep inner joy that this knowing/remembering brings.

With Love,

Journey In Spirit.

 

 

5. The Beginning of Ego.

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At about the time of my search, I had a friend in rehab who was in a very bad way.  You could see the fear in his eyes and being.  I felt for him and would spend time just sitting and talking.  He would tell me that the voices and thoughts in his head made him feel bad about himself all the time.  I wanted to help him some how but didn’t know how.  It seems that whatever advise I was giving him was stuff he had heard before.  I decided to write him a poem to try and convey some love, kindness and understanding.

It’s kind of a lengthy poem so if you would like to just skip down to the sections that are relevant to what we’re talking about, (thought) find the ** and just start from there.  Also, for the sake of anonymity, I’ve changed his name to John.

John

When you were born, the angels sang, your heart was filled with joy.  As you grew up, the angels saw, you were a special boy.

Your parents who had raised you, they did their very best, because you see Dear John boy, this is all a test.

For whatever reason, your Mother drank too much.  Your Father was a mean man, his heart you could not touch.

You began to realize, that love could not be found,  you even thought to escape from here, but to body you were bound.

The pain inside, you could not squash, it left a great big hole.  For parents who had hurt you, and the joy that they had stole.

It left you feeling empty, with a great big void to fill, this is when you turned your life, to alcohol and pill.

The nights you’d lie awake and think, please tell me why I’m here? My life is filled with anger, such sadness and such fear.

Your neighbors saw that you were hurt, from their window right next door.  You wished you could cry out to them, that you could take no more.

But your parents in their sickness, told you to never tell.  You put on your happy mask, and pretended all was well.

The pain you held inside you, grew bigger by the day, sometimes you thought that these two, had a price to pay.

And for just a little while, the drink would numb your sorrow, you’d slip away to restless sleep, and hope for no tomorrow.

But now that you’re a grown man, carrying all the shame, It’s time to let it go John, for you are not to blame.

 **The voices in your head John, they are not your own, those people put those thoughts there, before you were all grown.

So listen to your soul John, because it knows what’s real, this is the only way see, you can truly heal.

The truth is in your heart John, you knew it all along, that what your parents told you, was so very wrong.

They took all the goodness, and they made you cry. Ripped right through your spirit, and filled it with a lie.

Your spirit, it is golden, and this you cannot see, so open up your heart John, and then you will be free.

END

 As I was writing this for John, I knew it had just as much relevance for him, as it did for me.  Having been brought up in a similar manner, we could really relate.

I had just started my road to healing and discovery when I wrote this for him and  as I was writing the words about the voices in his head that weren’t his own, it struck me how much influence the outside world has on our psyche.  After all, we’re born as empty vessels and what gets filled in, comes from those around us.  Some of those negative messages may not have even been spoken words but may have been a behavior or belief that we’ve taken on as our own.  This is our “false self” or ego. Our ego gets built over time as we allow the outside influences to “suggest” to us, what they think we are.  We then begin to see ourselves and what we’ve become, based on what we have allowed the “outside” world to insert into our minds.

It was scary for me to think that if I was going to “clean out my mind” of all the negative imprints, what was going to be left? If I were to let go of my ego, (my false sense of self) who was I and what would be left?

I knew that it wasn’t enough for me to just replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts.  Don’t get me wrong, positive affirmations are extremely helpful, but I had to be sure that I didn’t just replace my negative thoughts with just more ego thoughts about myself.

The ego can take on many forms.  It can even tell you how wonderful you are.  For many people, feeling a sense of self worth could stem from their ego and not their true self, or Higher Self.  It the thought comes from ego and not the true self, it often does not last.   So I wanted to make sure that I could look past my ego and find that Higher Self…

I’ll continue this blog tomorrow.  Until then,

Love and Blessings, JIS

 

4. Thoughts

Hi All.

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So we continue to talk about thoughts…my thoughts about myself were so tainted with negativity.  I saw that my belief behind my thoughts were very limiting.  I just figured at the time that this is how I really was…an incapable and scared person.  Only when my Spiritual mentor asked me where these thoughts originated from did I really start asking myself who put those thoughts there.  I know that sounds silly because these thoughts were my thoughts right?—not necessarily.  Just because I had been “thinking” those thoughts about myself up until that time, didn’t mean that they were my thoughts that had originated from me.

When a person has a continuous thought about themselves, it eventually becomes a belief and naturally, you will act on those beliefs.  The limiting thoughts I had about myself kept me in a prison for a long time.  I was a prisoner of my negative mind.

I saw that those thoughts were “suggested” to me by other people.  Of course as a child, a child believes what their parents say.  So when my parents told me I was no good for example, I believed it.  This kind of chronic negative conditioning is like a very strong hypnotic suggestion.  After all, they were my parents…people who really must’ve known me right?

It really doesn’t matter where those thoughts come from, it only matters that a person no longer wants to feel limited in their life.  I knew that I wanted to change my beliefs about myself but how do you do this…and if I no longer wanted to be “self limiting”, who was I really?

That set me on a new course in discovery about myself.  I discovered (and continue to discover) who I really am….

Until next time…sending Love to all.

 

3. Vibrations

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In my journey, I kept reading about how everything is a vibration and how our thoughts are also vibrations.  The better the thought, the higher the vibration.  With that being the case, my thought vibrations had always been at a low resonance.  I had a lot of negative thoughts about myself but didn’t know how to change them.

In all my years of traditional therapy, they didn’t tell me that my “thoughts” were just “thoughts” and that they could be changed.  In my research of “thoughts”, I understood that many of the negative thoughts in my head were my deep seeded beliefs about myself…and boy, the things I believed about myself were not very kind.

I made of list using key words that I believed at the time represented “me”.  For example, fearful, dumb, ugly, etc.  Yipes, no wonder I felt so bad.

I then made a list using positive key words that I believed represented the way I wanted to feel.  This was challenge at first because it didn’t come easy.  To have a belief about oneself, the thought about oneself comes first.  I realized I had some work to do.

The first step was to ask myself why I had these thoughts and with the help of my Spiritual mentor, we went deeper by asking questions about my current belief system. This lead to seeing how I truly saw myself. Why did I belief so negatively and where did this belief come from.  The search went on…

JIS

2. Healing and Mind

It’s amazing how powerful our minds are.  I used to hear my mind telling me negative things all the time.  It was as if these “thoughts” were not a part of me. I don’t mean in a “outside” way but more of a…”how and where were these thoughts about myself being generated from?  From Me?”

Do we realize how many negative thoughts we have about ourselves?  And we actually believe the negative things we tell ourselves too.  So our healing of our past is also about healing our minds.  THIS is where the work begins.

JIS

1. Healing

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Hi Everyone,

I started this blog to reach those of you who are searching for Spiritual answers. There are so many books out there about Spirituality that have helped me to better understand arcane wisdom, however, much of my growth has come from personal experience of walking, forgiving and coming to an understanding of the way things are. Although each of our personal journeys and experiences are subjective, we are all here to evolve and grow as Spiritual/Human beings. 

The first 34 entries in this blog talk about my past and is quite lengthy. If you prefer to go straight to the teachings, please skip to the blog entry titled: “7 Universal/Spiritual Principles”.

In healing the hurts of my past, I spent many hours in traditional therapy over the course of 30 years.  I talked and talked about how the people close to me had hurt me.  I was a victim of all forms of abuse.  In subsequent sessions with my therapist, I always shared the most recent incident that had occurred in the interim and how much MORE hurt was being added to my pain pot.  This went on for years.

You always hear people say that talking about your problems, or getting it out in the open helps you to release it.  I wanted so badly to do this…to release it by talking about it.  Talking about the “incident”, expressing to my therapist how it made me feel…then let it go.  For me however, I wasn’t letting it go.  How does a person do this anyway?  It’s not like I was holding something tangible in my hands and could just let go of my grasp.  It just didn’t seem possible.

My focus had always been on how others had done me wrong.  Could I change THEM?  Could I convince them that THEIR behavior was wrong?  Well, I tried that and realized (years later) that a person changes their behavior only if they want to.  Common sense right?  Not for me.  I thought I had to change others to make me happy.

Most of my healing came very slowly at first.  Real healing began when I decided to look at myself and what was going on on the inside of me.  It was really scary.  I had to meet and face up to all my fears and demons.  There were so many of them.  I had a whole committee of demons that seemed to overpower my own will.  When I felt overwhelmed, I would look away until I felt ready to face them again.  I did this on and off for years.

The real healing began when I began asking myself questions like, “who am I, why in the heck am I here, what’s all this for and where am I going, why am I suffering?”

This is what I’d like to talk about…and this is what this blog’s subject matter will be.   These are very deep questions with very simple answers.

I would very much like to open up a dialogue with people who are still hurting. For those of you who are wondering about the answers to those very deep questions.  I would like to share with you what I’ve come to know…or remember. I want to express to you all, that true peace and inner joy is possible and I wish for you that you will not have to spend as many years in the healing process as I have.  I know for myself however, that my slow path to healing was just what I needed.  I don’t see it as time wasted necessarily but it sure would have helped if I had someone who could have shared with me what I now know in my Journey in Spirit.

Until next time…Love to you all from Journey in Spirit.Consciousness