I have to be honest with you all and let you know that despite how my perception about life and myself have changed, that doesn’t mean that I no longer have sadness. There are moments where I still have incredible sadness. I feel sad for that little girl long ago who was at the mercy of that hateful individual; that little girl who would have to carry the pain with her until it became too much for her to bear. That little girl would have to endure much more pain and circumstances in her life until she realized that maybe life wasn’t really supposed to be this bad.
In my spiritual journey, I realize that the negative experiences I’ve had have been an opportunity for me to grow. In fact, every negative situation can be looked at as such. We can change our lives by changing our perception and see it as an opportunity for growth, or we can remain victims. When I made a conscious decision to heal, I knew that I would have to take out all the pain that I had pushed deep inside me and deal with it. For many years, I knew that I still carried the pain but had gotten so used to not looking at it. When those scary emotions would resurface, I’d try even harder to ignore it. I’d tell myself to “get a grip” or “snap out of it”, and admonish myself for having those scared feelings when I knew that I wasn’t that little girl living in that abusive environment any longer. Growing up, sis and I had become experts at hiding what was really going on within us. We were not allowed to express any emotions so pushing our feelings down deeper was something we were good at.
Every emotion we’ve experienced lies deep within our subconscious mind…every one of them. Our emotions stem from our thought patterns that have formed around each life experience…negative and positive. Those negative emotions that we are too afraid to look at sit dormant deep within our psyche and will raise it’s ugly head every now and again. As long as we chose to not look at them, they will keep coming back up. Just as we can “relive” an exciting period in our lives such as a marriage or a birth of a child, we “feel” all the accompanying emotions. We also relive the negative ones…but for those of you who have had trauma, know that reliving a positive experience from the past often does not just pop up into your mind. You are usually “recalling” the experience by choice…but the negative emotions will sometimes pop up suddenly without warning and leave you questioning the reason for that particular emotion’s sudden appearance. It is your “emotional body’s” (psyche) way of telling you that it still needs to be dealt with. (I will discuss emotional bodies later).
Obviously, we can’t go back into the past and change our circumstances, but we can go back in our mind and relive any experience and change our emotions by visual healing. One of my healing methods is a meditation where in my mind, I go back into time and sit with that scared little girl and hold her in my arms. I tell her that I know it is hard to understand all the “whys” now, but that when she is older, she will understand. I tell her that I love her and she is so precious and when I tell her this, I can slowly feel her broken heart grasping on to the idea that she is loved. I tell her that her future is bright with lots of love and that the compassion that this little girl will have in her heart when she’s older will surpass the pain that she has ever felt in her past. She doesn’t understand this at first because she still doesn’t know exactly what compassion is…she’s never really experienced it from others but she has the sense that the feeling she is experiences at this very moment while being hugged, might be compassion. This little girl doesn’t really know what to make of this message that she is receiving from this woman but she senses it to be true somehow. It’s kind of a deep knowing that this little girl has always had. The woman tells her that she once felt exactly as this little girl does now. The little girl wants to cry and she does…in the arms of this woman who comforts her, wipes her tears and tells her that she is her Guardian Angel. The woman tells the little girl that whenever she feels scared, she can go within and imagine that she is again sitting with this woman who always offers her love and comfort.
A big part of the healing process is to feel those pangs of pain and be ok with it. It’s the natural process of healing. One has to expect that when they decide to heal, it is going to take some time and those emotions will rise up again. Healing is not about feeling wonderful all the time…but understanding your feelings, working through them until you realize that they can’t do you any harm. The harm has already been inflicted. It is much like a physical scar that appears after any injury. Some scars are larger than others depending upon the injury itself. With some unsightly bigger physical scars, those scars can sometimes be injected with medicines that can diminish their size. Emotional scars that are unseen but felt however, must be injected with love to diminish their impact. Of course we always feel better knowing that we are being loved by others but the love that’s needed for healing is “self love” and the visual healing method above is one way of doing this…getting from a place of self loathing, to self love.